joseph_pangan's Xanga

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Sun, 27 May 2007 13:43:04 GMT

My dreadful Visa Application

I got denied yes... I did... because I do not have a job right now :P But, I am not really affected by the fact that I was denied of my VISA. Nalungkot din ako kasi hindi muna ako makakapunta sa states and syempre kahit sino naman ayaw ng feeling of rejection diba???

But my experience in the US embassy was really an eye opening to the complexity of HUMAN BEHAVIOR. Andun yung ang daming nagsusunget na mga tao and all because siksikan daming tao, and anxious sila to get their visa.

Experience #1: When I was falling in line with my mom and brother we were kinda lost syempre kasi parang wala naman instructions san pupunta dba? So I kindly approached a lady and said "Dito po ba pipila? ano po bang pila ito? Then I sensed her irritation but managed to to be cool, and said "Diba, san ba kayo dapat pinapapila, ano ba sabi sa inyo? Why don't you ask the people over there kung san kayo?."Then, Sabi ko "Ohh okay, alright thank you anway :D " Then, she replied with a plastic, unreal "smile" and said "You're welcome".

I could understand, maybe she wasn't in the mood and the situation was stressful for her. (wala lang nakakaaliw lang)

Experience#2: When I was about to take my finger scanning, the staff of the embassy who are also filipinos so to speak (brown skin, typical nose of a filipino, black hair and etc.) are not really accomodating to the elderly. THey do not use PO or OPO for the elderly. They don't even maintain a professional behavior to address these elderly people as Ma'am or Sir. " O dyan, hindi ganyan... Yung bag mo!"

I don't really understand why are they acting like that. Are they preventing some sort of situation? Are they trying to be intimidating for a valid reason so fellow filipinos won't take advantage of them? Are ther acting this way to scare people and potential troublemakers?

If their reasona are valid, I hope that they still have their VALUES in tact-the basic essence of their being. I have no right to judge them that they are "Trying to act, think and speak like americans". I know a lot of americans and they are professionals! They know how to be courteous and yet maintain a healthy professional boundary. It just ticks me off that my fellow filipino people are acting this way. I don't know if they have acquired this "superiority complex" because they work in the US embassy.

Maybe something is wrong..really wrong... or is this the real world???? I dunno if I was too sheltered before so I wasn't able to see this kind of madness firsthand. This experience is really a test to my personal values as a person-the beliefs that give importance to.

To america, maybe next time :P It's just disheartening that I can't see my sister this december.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Tue, 22 May 2007 12:24:31 GMT

My Journey to What I want...

I often find myself asking and reflecting what I really want in life. At first, I wanted to become a doctor to cure the sick. I am always been amazed how a doctor can help a lot of people. It's something that I feel even before that I wanted to help other people by curing, doing the best I can to alleviate their physical symptoms. These statements sound dramatic but it's true. Walang halong kaplastican! :P

Pero, things have changed parang naiba ang linya ko ng unte. I took psychology as my major kasi marami akong options (pwede syang pre-med, pre-law) or pwede ko naman yung ibat bang application ng psychology in different fields. Ayun nga lang whenever I see sick people, my drive to become a doctor persists.

Ngayon naman, I am planning to take my MA and take my licensure in Guidance and Counseling. Pero I am not quite sure kung ano ba talaga!!! basta nalilito ako... and the selection process that I've been through and going through is quite tedious. I feel pressured but I know that this is a way to love the job I am pursuing more. It will also help me to really decide what I want in life.

Right now, hindi ko talaga alam kung san ako iaanud ng tadhana. O kung san ako ilalagay ni GOD. I trust Him plain and simple that He will show and guide me to which ever path na gusto nya tahakin ko... (naks religious)

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Wed, 02 May 2007 16:56:10 GMT

I know everyone could relate... (The inevitable change!)

I know changes in our lives cannot be stopped... nor cannot be inhibited just in a blik of an eye. Everyone would have encountered a great amount of different changes in our daily lives one way or another. But sometimes...you just can't understand why changes have to happen.You just can't accept it and you don't just feel ready to embrace the life ahead of you.

As far as I can remember, there are many changes in my life. Changes that I have been through just living as a person. The feeling of remembering these affect and sensorium creeps me out from time to time. I clearly remember when I just first stepped on highschool-my life was a hell. I said to myself. "I wanted to go back to elementary." Then, when I reached college my heart said to me, "I miss my highschool days." Now, I am just laughing and smiling and cannot help but notice the trend that I've been through. I just keep dwelling on the past: the good old days and happy memories. Maybe I am not just good in adjustments because it takes serveral years or months to really adjust and embrace in whatever situation that I am into. Though yeah, I have learned by theory that we change-developmentally... progressively and continiuously. But, it's quite different in the real life. Now I know that you really experience a lot of stress because of CHANGE. It gives you a certain kind of anxiety- an uncertainty about the future. I just hope that whatever job that I would find, I could make the most out of it.

As of now, just one thing is clear, good things would end, but it is not really the end figuratively. We are just people who are constanly evolving and ever dearing trting to make the most out of life. We are trying to find a place to fit in. That is an environment that we hope to be accepted, a place where we can say to ourselves that we truly belong. That is a place or a state that we could say that we are really happy and contented.

I wish the all the best in life for me, and of course for everyone else especially those people who have touched my lives. They are my family...friends..classmates (4A Psychology).. I love you all and I miss you.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 09:51:17 GMT

AM I CAPABLE TO be Loved?

I always think of what is the real meaning of LOVE. I don't want to sound like a hoplessly romantic because I am not. Not that I am cynical about love, it's just that I don't understand it as much or know it in a deep level. Probably because in my deepest feeling of my heart, I feel unloved. I know my family is always there and we are very close. But why is it that I feel that I am not Loved. Maybe because, I don't acknowledge their little ways of making me feel really important. Maybe because my love language (the actions that I consider as LOVE) is not very evident. I don't know what I want in my life. With that, I am in an existential vaccum. No place to go.

The very thing that this has an effect on me is that I have Low self-esteem. I don't even think that I am capable of loving and I don't know how to express this LOve nor I cannot go about it. In the same way as this, I think... I feel that nobody can love me.

How mellowdramatic. But that's the way it is. Probably there is some issues in my personality that I SHOULD change. (No, not probably... but shomething that I SHOULD DO.)

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 15:10:02 GMT

When We Pretend to Care...

Everday in our damn lives, we encounter a lot of things and a lot of people. We mingle...we meet... we share our lives with each other in some extent. But have you ever thought that sometimes...or often than not we just pretend to care???!!!

We pretend to care for somebody because it has an effect on us. Kunwari nagaalala tayo..kunwari concern tayo pero sa totoo lang nde naman. We are just pretending to care because it puts our image into a favorable light. We are labeled as "caring", "nurturing" and it strokes our EGO and in turn... Viola... we adapt this behavior of nurturance. I am not trying to be cynical about this. Yes, care and love exist. It does! But if you think about it a little deeper. It started somewhere. It started as something selfish- a behavior that strokes your ego (quite egoistic in nature) but it developed into something else, something more meaningful and deeper. (that is ideally speaking of course).

SO I now think of this, "Is becoming one with the universe-having the care, concern for others a process? Do you have to be selfish at first to be ready to give yourself to other people?" Think about it. Think deep... Are you caring because you really care??? or is there another motive behind it?

DON'T WORRY :) I am not disturbed or anything. It's just nice to think about these things especially when you are bored like these days.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 12:36:43 GMT

we all need to encounter changes, and we all do encounter it whether we accept it or not. I do remember when I was still younger that I really felt weak, shy and out of place in this world. My childhood memories were both filled with heartaches and joys as well. But given a chance, I would really choose not to go back. Anyway, naisip ko lang :)

Ayun, Every day and every night. I am just letting time pass by. How I miss schooling. I think that I am not yet emotionally prepared to work. Moreover, I don't like the work that is offered to me. Now, I am just trying to enjoy myself; wondering and prapering for trips for abroad na walang kasiguruhan.

I just hope things will be fine and alright.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 18:44:01 GMT

I am writing this entry just because I am bored and I have nothing to do. Frankly, I don't know what I am writing and I am just typing the words that pop out into my lazy and green mind.

If you think about life too much, insecurities will consume you and so as frustrations will rise into the thin air as if you are not worth to live or perfect. Indeed, no man is perfect. we all have our flaws, our shortcomings-we fall down, get hurt and we feel low to the deepest bottom when major problems arise. THIS IS the BITTERSWEET fac of life. If there's a formula for a well-organized living, a path to a perfect life then, please give it to me :P But there is none. It is the everyday stress, and progress makes the world go around.

Life's complexities is not just a phase. Everything big and small are to be considered complex! We just makes things simple. We construct the essence of being "simple" in our minds just to save time. We lable simplicity and we own it because thinking too much of certain details will definitely make us crazy.

So, I hope that these will give you an idea where to find me years from now-at a mental institution because I think too much. Though I know that thinking too much has some negative effects, I just can't help it. If I try to enjoy life to the fullest then I feel that I am exerting too much effort in making myself happy and content. I want happiness to be NATURAL, that's it! but no no no no, is it true that you just PUT THE EFFORT, to be happy?

You know what people, the reason I want to die early is to be with my creator. That's it! Somehow, I feel and I have faith that being with HIM would make me really happy. (Yeah, I know I sound a lil bit mentally pathological, but that's what I feel).

I resent Love, because I dunno if it does really exist. I resent life because I dunno what is the meaning of life, or am I just fearful of the future-of the things that are ahead of me? This is because, in my deepest part of my heart and the truthfulness of my soul, I say this blunty "I don't want to rely on anyone at all".

Friday, November 17, 2006

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 16:50:24 GMT

Lagi ko na lang naiisip that life is really complex and really difficult to deal with. Honestly, everyday na lumilipas... parang wala... a day of hell; nothing to look up ahead. I wanna die. I wanna die not because I am sad, but because I think I have nothing to do anymore in this world. Everything is senseless for me. Happiness evades me. Darkness encompassess me. I have tried having a different orientation, a different outlook but it doesnt really work. Life is not better. THe longer I stay in this world... the longer I see the flaws... the shortcomings... the things that i cannot change. I want some medicine just to change all these...

I love all the people that have been part of my life. I love my parents, my sibling, my friends...hahahaha

IS HAPPINESS REALLY THERE? I guess so... because of you guys I have managed to stay alive for 20 years :P

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 14:26:38 GMT

Hmmmm I just wanna express my madness through this blog or else mababaliw na naman ako.

It just ticks me off na until now wala pa akong practicum site for my clinical Psychoology and at the same time, I am getting worried. Whaat if I cannot finish my practicum on time?

ewan ko ba, ayaw ko pa naman ng nahihirapan ehhehehe :P

Friday, August 25, 2006

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 02:38:31 GMT

Kalawakan adventure: worth anticipating?

wala lang mali pa yung grammar ko sa babang blog entry hehehehe sa sobrang inis? kulang ng isang word ehehhe "I cannot extract a single juice of happiness in this life" dapat wala lang. ehhehe

Busy busyhan ako lagi feeling ko nga malapit na ako mag burn out. Minsan gusto ko na lang magpabaya. Demanding ng oras na nde naman. Napapalakas tuloy ang kain ko.. tumataba tuloy ako.

Tapos mamyang hapon, may leadership training daw sa dati kong school pinapapunta ako pero d naman ako pinipilit. Kaso yun eh d ako marunong tumanggi sa ganyan ewan ko b kahit mamatay na ako sa pagod ehhehe ewan ko ba. Pero sana maging productive naman ang pag punta ko dun.

Bukas may Kalawakan, Bulacan pa. Na di ko naman alam. Ewan d pa ako nagiimpake, namimili ng gamit. wala na ata akong oras. I know it's an opportunity for me to count m y blessings pero wala din. parang probinsya na din namin yun.... Ang iniisip ko lang baka maging pabigat pa kami sa pamilyang aampon sa amin imbis namatutu pa kami. And sawang sawa na ako sa ganyan sa totoo lang. Sa pag lalakad ng ilang kilometro, sa pagtawid sa mga ilog. Sa pag stay kung saan saan. i wanna have a convinient life- and I chose to have one. Kaya ayaw ko na balikan yan... heheheh

you have to do what you have to do